Why I Don't Write Lists Any More
... and what I do instead
I’m a very organised person, always have been. Planning, planning, considering all eventualities, that’s where I shine. I had lists for everything, I planned everything meticulously, and I also documented everything.
To-do lists, monthly goals, bucket list, lists of books I have read and of books I want to read, movies I’ve seen, places I want to go … you name it.
BUT … there’s a downside to all these lists.
To-do lists
I used to make long to-do lists for the day (and not just the day). But I never managed to work through them completely. (Has anyone ever?) I always felt bad and inadequate.
I tried harder, because that’s what you have to do, right? Just try to be faster, more efficient, get more done?
When that didn’t work, even though I practised it for more than three decades, I tried to cut them down to a more realistic level. (Still way too much!) That didn't work either. I felt even worse along the lines of ‘If I can't even do this, I'm a lazy person, a bad person, [enter bitter remark of your choice here]!!’
It's madness, of course. But since I've defined myself by performance my whole life, I wasn’t able to see it, and when I realised it, I wasn’t able to discard it right away. Old habits die the hardest.
No longer defining myself / my value / my self-worth in terms of performance, no longer taking the length of my to-do list as a benchmark was one of the most important lessons during my recovery from burnout. To stop seeing it as normal behaviour and a sign of adulthood (because everyone else seems to be doing it too), but as the harmful habit that it actually had been for me, a habit that had put me under enormous pressure.
Last year I finally stopped for good.
Pressure
Admittedly, I’m not good in dealing with pressure any more.
More importantly, however, I don't see the point in putting myself under so much pressure any longer. Life tends to do it anyway, so why should I put extra pressure on myself? What do I gain? More happiness, a feeling of accomplishment?
Not in my experience.
Just more pressure, because the endless lists just don’t get shorter and they certainly never stop.
Yes, it was useful at work once when I suddenly had to step in and manage the library for over six months with some very large projects. But other than that? Not so much.
Lists of goals & bucket list
I’ve also worked with lists of goals for decades. They fit perfectly with my ‘performance gene’. And it’s what society tells you, isn’t it? If you want to achieve something, set yourself goals, break them down to smaller, manageable steps and tick them off your list one by one. Voilà, success!
Others might not feel the pressure like I do, they might not feel discouraged when things don’t work out no matter how hard you try. There certainly are people who thrive under pressure and feel spurred on by it. But I’m not one of them.
A bucket list didn’t work for me either. Some things would have been great, but were quite unrealisitic, or way out of my comfort zone, or too ambitious, or I didn’t have the money for it (will I ever?) or whatnot. That also resulted in pressure, in me feeling bad about myself (again) - and what’s worse, it stopped me from living in the moment, from enjoying what I had, from living a life right now that I feel good and at peace with.
Isn’t a bucket list just another sign of ‘higher, faster, further’?
That’s not the kind of life I aspire to. Or see sense in.
Detached from the here and now
That’s what it all had come to in the end, lists have disconnected me from the here and now, from the moment I live in, the only moment I definitely have. Who knows what next year brings, next week, tomorrow, the next minute. Why making meticulous plans, setting eloborate goals, using time for planning instead of cherishing the now? I can’t plan life, not really. Illnesses get in the way, a pandemic brings an entire world to a screeching halt, unexpected encounters or insights change my path, chances arise.
I go with that flow now, and I feel much better since I turned my life around in that respect. Life is simpler, it’s easier, I feel healthier and calmer. I live much more in the moment.
Documenting my life
It also means that I don't document my life so meticulously any longer. I realised I never checked those lists that I used to write again. Lists of read books, watched movies, detailed accounts of every day in my book calendar.
I liked to write them, to know what I’ve done and when, but actually, I’ve never used them afterwards. I made these lists for decades and never noticed how unneccessary they were for me. I just wrote them, because, well, I’ve always written them. Hm, doesn’t make sense? You’re right.
I’ve realised that I rarely want to dwell in the past, in fact I find it rather uninteresting. Because it's over. The now is here and exciting and full of possibilities.
When I think of something in the past, it's usually a clue of what I'm missing now and what I’d like to integrate into my life again. A current example would be my closeness to nature as a child. (Read more about it here.)
I feel freer because of that. I've got rid of a lot of baggage.
What I do instead
If I discarded writing lists, what do I do instead? How do I remember what I have to do or what I would like to do?
Simplifying my life
I have organised and simplified my life in such a way that it has become clear for me. It’s not complicated any more. It’s easy to keep an overview. There are fewer tasks, fewer obligations, fewer people in my life. I've become very selective when it comes to what and who I let into my life. (Read more about the reasons here.)
I’m in a privileged position, I’m aware of that. I’m self-employed. I don’t have to look after children or relatives right now. It’s just me and my husband, and we both care for simplicity and a slower, easier pace of life. We chose this kind of life on purpose. Because it does us good and lets us focus on what’s of real importance for us.
Trusting myself
In my experience, the really important things stick anyway. And the ones I forget, well, they can’t have been that important, can they? I trust myself to remember the important things.
Living in the moment
It doesn’t mean that I don’t care about the future. There are things that I’d like to do or that I’d like to achieve, but they are not that important any more, just nice-to-haves, because I’m happy and content with my life as it is. No big goals needed any more. Nothing that society might define as success. Just feeling calm, happy and content.
Prioritizing my well-being
List making may work for many people. It didn’t for me. So I stopped, because my well-being is more important. Of course I have to do some things that I don't feel like doing, but I can also spread them out a little. The household doesn't immediately fall into disrepair if I don't vacuum today, but do it tomorrow or in three days' time, for example. It’s okay to slow down, it’s okay to not be efficient all the time.
Making sure I feel joy & be creative
I had to learn again not to tick off all the things on my list, but to do what I enjoy. I realised that I didn't need to work through any lists, especially in my free time.
In my endless list-making, I had also focussed too much on rationality. However, in order to be creative again, I had to learn to actively let go, relax and encourage the playful side instead. Not easy for me in the beginning, but so worth it, incredibly helpful.
Changed attitude to life
The decision to stop writing lists is part of my change in attitude to life, to make sure that I'm doing well, that I feel joy. It used to feel like I didn't deserve it, like I had to work for it by ticking off as many items as possible on my to-do lists.
It's so much better now. That freedom adds a whole new, much higher quality to my life.
Less planning, more living, and cherishing the here and now. That works for me and my happy quiet life.